To be perfectly honest, I don't even know where I left off. The last month or so has been hellish. Lamotrigine doesnt work, and may even be upsetting my stomach too. My psychiatrist was off sick, but is back. She is not seeing very many patients, although I stated in a phone call that I refuse to see the temporary one again.
I received a letter some time ago now stating I had an appointment for DBT assessment. Not only was I refused DBT, they also questioned my diagnosis. I only have traits apparently, which both them and the psychiatrist think I should be happy about. I'm not, because the diagnosis meant so much to me. They suggested I only have traits, so I feel like I am overreacting and am not that ill. I tried to explain everything I go through, but they just said I was trying to convince them. I did not say anything that wasn't true. Work has become such a struggle it's a wonder I'm still there. Some shifts I spend mostly hyper and I cannot shut up. One angry customer or one negative statement from a member of staff, and I am straight back down again. In other areas of life, I can so easily start crying for no reason. Yesterday, I think, I received a letter which I had to pay a fee for, because the sender didn't use a stamp. I realised this letter was from the psychodynamic therapy team, to tell me the initial assessment would be around August or September. This made me so very angry. I went round my room, holding in screams. I scrunched up the letter and envelope and threw them away. I banged my head several times until I saw white flashes. This therapy was suggested by the two women who met with me in that meeting. They kept going back to the relationship areas of my life over and over, questioning every detail. I thought this was strange. Yes I have trouble with that, most people with BPD do, but I certainly didn't think it was so important that it required that much attention. This is why I have ended up with this therapy. I am so confused. It doesn't make any sense at all. It doesn't fit my life and my circumstances. The therapy is used for people with repressed childhood memories, for those with bad experiences. I made it very clear that I never had that problem. They also said I had seperation issues from my twin sister. I mean, where the fuck did they get that from? I have managed four years, not really thinking about her for much more than a few seconds a day. A text here and there. I don't miss her really, which sounds mean, but she is probably the same. This still angers me so much. Even typing this, I want to scream.
The meeting went badly, clearly, and since then, I had the appointment with my temporary psychiatrist. She actually stood up for their opinion. This angered me even more, because she also did not listen to a word I said, and completely invalidated everything I said. I told her the medication wasn't working. At first, it helped with the depression symptom, but not much else. Now, it doesn't even do that. So she increased it. I thought this was completely pointless, as it is a mood stabiliser which doesn't stabilise moods. This made me angry too. I have been on the increased dose now for a few weeks (maybe, I'm not sure, I can't seem to work things like that out anymore, since I have little structure in my life). All this has achieved is making me worse; more unstable, angrier, more depressed, more hyper. Nothing is better than it was, worse maybe. On top of that, the worsening IBS symptoms I experienced a month or two ago are ten times worse now. I can now attribute this to the Lamotrigine. I can't eat now without getting agonising cramps and all the rest.
Since my awesome doctor is now away from the medical centre (she doesn't work university holidays), I am back to seeing my old doctor. I now remember why I stopped going. I have not had a successful appointment yet. On my birthday, I had a rather silly trampoline accident, after my aunties encouraged me to do a flip on it, which went wrong. I spent 6 and a half hours of my birthday in A&E. I got nowhere. The x-rays came out fine, therefore all I got were some of the painkillers I already have, and a single Diazepam. At the doctors, I stated that my back was still sore, but I also had a strange curve in my back, which was new. It is not extraordinary, like it would appear normal in anyone's back, however it is new to me, and causing a lot of discomfort and pain. He chose to ignore it, still going on about muscle pain. With regards to my chronic pain, he still says its down to my negativity. I was really angry then. Over all the appointments I have had the past two weeks, he still hasn't helped with either. I have asked for a private referral to what I thought was a chiropractor, but is an orthopaedic. I was referred a while ago by my good doctor. The current one insists that this appointment will be a waste of time. He is adamant that the x-ray would have shown something. It would have if it was not taken in a position where my back was forced into a straightened position. And I know it's not broken, I have never said it was. I thought a spine which had changed shape was a serious matter, but apparently not.
I also saw the doctor because I had been majorly struggling with my mental health recently (as I said above, the medication is definately not working). He just said I hadn't given it time to work. Well, I'll be there in appointments for the forseeable future, still telling him that I feel like shit, my back is still sore and oddly-shaped, and that the medication still isn't working.
I am absolutely sick to death of this shit. I won't even go into the problems with the bank and my mobile phone provider. It really is taking the piss. No wonder I didn't feel able to post. Well today, I am only 2 days away from graduating and want this shit to be sorted. It isn't likely. All of this is causing me more stress and anxiety than anyone can imagine. But oh, I forgot, I don't actually meet the criteria for my illness. I forgot I was healthy. Of course I don't know how I feel, I can't imagine why I ever thought I fulfilled the criteria for BPD. Silly me!!
NHS, get your shit together, now.
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