Fear

The problem I have with blogging recently is that I'm overcome with fear and paranoia about who's reading.  All I've known the past few days is fear.  I have been let down by people I thought cared at work.  It just goes to show that stigma is most definately still there.  I'm now constantly scared about what's coming next.  I start to panic when a colleague comes towards me incase they're going to force me to do what I just can't do.  I was told I didn't have any "physical reason" to not do this part of the job, despite being told by my doctors and psychiatrist to stay out of stressful situations.  I am more angry because my illness is less important than the people who just choose not to do this job, and are actually allowed to avoid it for this reason.
  
I have been told I don't try to recover, I am ignoring others' attempts to help, suggesting that ultimately I'm just a selfish cow.  I know this already.  Hearing it from others just hurts more than you can imagine.  I am back to the same old situation of "excuses".  I blogged about that a while ago, under the post "lying".  My memory has been awful, which could be down to anything at all (physical or mental).  It is making any type of progress hard, especially when I'm doing it alone and not in a therapy group.  Being told over and over that I'm not trying and not appreciating others' help is just so hurtful.  Again, this has made me so scared about asking for help or even just telling people I'm having a bad day.  I was even told what my intentions were in that group.  Now I just feel unwelcome.

I feel lost and hopeless all over again.  I open up about my bad day to be shot down even more.  I am fearful of my job and the people in it.  I look at job sites and just become even more scared.  I can't do anything.  Don't bother trying to tell me I can.  If I can't cope with my simple job I have just now, how the hell am I supposed to try another one.  Positive attitudes are a load of crap.  No matter what people tell me, they always ruin it at some point, then I'm just let down all over again.  I can't deal with that again.