Finishing University

I handed in my last ever essay on Monday.  I thought I would be happy.  It took a while to feel any emotion at all, but it eventually settled at emptiness.  I don't know what to do with my life now.  I have nothing to do from day to day apart from sit at a checkout 3 times a week.  All I can do is clean my flat every now and then, but that won't keep me occupied for ever.  

Home

People, including mum and dad, keep suggesting going home, back to Ayrshire.  I just can't face that idea.  I have been trying to think why.  Being isolated is one possibility, but then I live alone here.  I would be leaving everything I have built up here, sort of abandoning all my efforts to become independant.  I just can't live in the same house as my parents anymore.  I feel like my lifestyle has become too secretive.  I would feel suffocated.  On top of the stuff I think is reasonable (not necessarily what anyone else would think is reasonable), I feel an attachment to life and people here.  I have only one person I could actually call a friend who is in Stirling, everyone else is just an 'attachment'.  Doctors, that kind of thing.  I couldn't start all over again, I'd have to explain everything to another new person all over again.  That's too much to think about.  I would be jobless, because I don't think I could transfer home, plus my attendance rate is too poor for them to accept me back anyway.  I can't afford to live here though.  People tell me to get a flatmate, but I know that's not a possibility, and it hurts everytime I'm reminded of it.  No one would or could live with me.  I don't have anyone who I could live with either.  

Mum and Dad

My poor parents came up to see me yesterday.  They have researched BPD and found out that most people who have it have been abused at some point in their lives.  The stuff they read didn't make it clear that one in four people have it without any real reason (that they can find).  They really believed they had done something wrong.  That was sad to hear.  I felt so guilty putting this on them.  I made my own parents doubt themselves and had them think they were bad parents.  It's not true at all. 
I suggested that having a twin was a possible cause.  BPD can be about attachments in younger life, well I never experienced life without having my twin by my side.  Maybe, just maybe, I never learned to deal with life myself.  All my friends were her friends, I just tagged along.  It's a thought, and I tried to research it before my uni account stops.  There isn't anything out there.  If anyone does happen to see any information about that, or has a similar experience, could they let me know?  Anyone can comment below.

Thanks for reading xxx