Physical Pain

This would seem like an easier topic to write about; that may be so, but it's a damn long one to write about!

My worst problem since admitting to mental health problems to my doctor, is that now they feel the need to blame EVERYTHING on the mental illness.  My chronic back ache, my randomly sore joints, stiffness, shooting pains through joints, cramping pain in my abdomen (IBS usually)...and so on.  I also experience so many non-painful physical problems (also always blamed on the mental illness): dizziness, tiredness and weakness mostly, and recently intermittent tingling in my fingertips.  I also have a random numb patch on my back (which kind of feels like its spreading); it sits exactly where the back of my bra sits, creating a feeling that its not tight on my back, but rather faintly touching it.  It's really odd, and at times uncomfortable and frustrating (as it would be if someone was faintly touching your back constantly).  I've had that problem for a while (possibly years), but it's so ridiculous that I either forget to mention it, or just avoid it.  So in general, I always have one or more of the above problems every day.

Doctors, being typical doctors, will try one or two blood tests then give up.  Most of the above symptoms can be, or are, caused by my hypothyroidism.  However, because my initial blood levels are normal, they refuse to do any more tests, or even consider slightly increasing my thyroxine (checking my blood obviously, in case it is more dangerous that it's worth).  Apparently these blood tests are the "be all and end all", no chance whatsoever that my crappy thyroid is causing symptoms regardless.  Probably because of my BPD, I am struggling with alternating insomnia/ being tired and still being awake/ sleeping constantly.  Yes, Zopiclone helps, but being off Venlafaxine and starting a mood stabiliser seems to be making them too effective, so that I either sleep in, or wake up and still have effects of the zopiclone whilst being awake.  That can be torture by the way, I had that yesterday; I felt drunk and high and "not present".  Time passed really quickly (as it does the night before after I have taken them, but before bed) and it scared me, because I had a uni deadline, but felt like time was running away from me.  I kept having to remind myself where I was.  I would go to the toilet, for example, and realise I had been away for about 20 minutes, without understanding how!  I also kept nearly falling down the stairs, which was scary as hell!  I couldn't even type properly.  But to back track slightly, my own thoughts tend to keep me awake, and now I am starting to rely on the Zop so when I don't take it, I can't guarantee I'll get any sleep, even if I'm exhausted.  I can still sleep through the day no problem if I choose, worrying about "needing to sleep now" must be keeping me awake too.

My memory's so bad recently.  I have forgotten that I am writing this blog twice so far, and only remembered when I saw it on the internet browser tab.  I ate half a bagette yesterday, and went to eat the other half, to find out I already had.  FML.  This does NOT help me at all when it comes to doctors appointments.  I already have to mention everything above, and I never remember to in a 5 minute appointment (although it always lasts much longer, because my doctor actually takes the time with her patients!).

Been on Lamotrigine for 2 weeks now, I'm not on a half dose, starting 3/4 dose tomorrow.  It has definately NOT stabilised my moods.  I'm not sure if they are worse or not, but I have had several different emotions/moods today so far, and I've only been awake 4 hours.  My current mood is severe loneliness and I feel depressed.  I was happy until about 15 minutes ago.  I can't make sense of this.

Sitting here right now, my back is starting to get sore, even though I'm practically 'high' on co-codamol.  I have had one small meal, and it destroyed my stomach.  I am tired, but agitated.  I'm working later, and am not looking forward to it; not necessarily scared, just an impending sense of DOOM.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  I want people to understand there's more to my eternal suffering than just BPD, I feel hopeless on a daily basis for loads of reasons.  None of which my doctors seem to be able to fix.