*Trigger Warning* And The Hell Continues

The person I thought could be a new friend turned out to be false hope.  I thought our bases in poor mental health were a real bonding point.  We already knew each other, but decided to be in contact, go to each others' houses...you know, the usual friend stuff.  Only she cancelled regularly; over and over again.  I went to her flat originally, and we got on great.  I don't understand what went wrong.  It hurt so much.  I feel so alone, all the time.  I'm just not capable of having friends.  Who I do get on with, I don't see.   I almost push them away, but not intentionally.  Why would I want to avoid companionship when I crave it so much?  Life just doesn't make sense.  I almost feel used by my new "friend".  I fixed her computer, send emails when she has no internet, and top-up her bills (using her money).  I think it is a good excuse to meet up - to give her her stuff back.  Nope she even avoids that.  I emailed a while back saying it worried me when she didn't get in touch, because I know she is ill too, with depression I think.  She just replied saying I worry too much, and she can't cope with the burden of helping or "supporting" my mental health when she is struggling with hers.  Then continued as if nothing happened.  Being a borderline, I'm too keen to please, so I was more than happy to continue chatting etc.  She still hasn't wanted to meet up again, except for me to do things for her.  She is a lovely person, and thinks highly of me too.  Or so she says.  I can't cope with being let down all the time.  

So I was getting my flat ready for her coming over yesterday.  It was all planned.  I even told mum I couldn't go to Glasgow with her because a friend was coming round.  Then a text in the afternoon saying she was coming after teatime instead.  I was disheartened, but my friend had said she was excited, so I really hoped she was coming.  Then a few hours later, a text saying she wasn't coming, sorry, and could she come tomorrow instead.  Then she turned her phone off.  I know this because I sent texts and the delivery reports didn't arrive.  I was gutted.  Am I such a horrible person that people hate being around me?  She didn't want me to phone her or text to rearrange.  I couldn't help myself.  I was crying so much.  Almost like a "last straw".  This person who seemed to like me, just didn't want to be near me.  Maybe it was an over-reaction, but it reminded me that I'm alone, and always will be.  I know I have other friends, but it is so hard to explain what it means to know someone else wants to get to know you.  So the opposite feels a million times worse.  Through the tears, I just wanted to get out of it all.  I took my sleeping tab, wanting to go to sleep.  But I realised I wasn't going to sleep through all the pain.  I banged my head a lot off the wall.  Annoyingly it didn't do anything.  So instead I did what I've been avoiding for 4 months now.  I took out a pair of scissors and attacked my leg.  It was over in seconds.  I spent what felt like the next hour just taking care of that and raiding my flat for dressings or whatever.  Then I went to bed.

Unlike my usual crises, I didn't feel better today.  I set my alarm for 7am, which was about 11 hours after I eventually got to bed.  Everytime I woke up though, I just started crying about it all.  What happened just kept coming back to me.  It took until about 10am before I could get up and ready.  I made it to uni eventually.  My "friend" text me saying she urgently needed her electricity key, which I topped up for her, and I had to leave uni and take it to town, and post through her letter box.  When she wasn't around, obviously, because she is still staying away from contact.  

I don't know what to do now.  I like her, and I know she's ill, and she's not aware of how much all this hurt me.  But because she's ill, I don't know what to do without hurting her too.  I suppose I make it all sound so much worse than it was, but my reactions are always over the top.  I'm not in control of that yet, clearly.