Nothing Gets Better.

Went to the doctors today, and tried to mention everything I could think of, as usual.  I forgot the IBS, so that's two more weeks of not eating.  Can't see what difference that'll make anyway.  So exhausted, physically and mentally, and I'm fed up of it being dismissed. It's always "side effects of this" or "because of back pain".  All I keep saying is that I've been exhausted for as long as I can remember, so it's not caused by anything that's happened recently.  Cue swift change of subject, and before I know it, I'm out of the doctor's surgery for another 2 weeks of struggling through with no energy.  Do they ever think back pain etc might be caused by my exhaustion, not the other way around?  It came first after all.  Even as I am writing this, my stomach is in knots.  Why?  Because I had cereal 2 hours ago?  ARGH!

I sometimes think, what's the point?  Seriously.  I finish uni, then what?  I struggle through illness for the rest of my life, then die at some point.  If the past few years are a taster of what's to come, I don't like it.  I can't face that.  Who wants to stay in a dead-end job they can't stand because they're not well enough to go any further?  I struggle in my current job anyway.  I hate having to wear "the mask" all of the time, but I've worn it for so long, I don't know how to take it off.  I can't even talk to my doctors, never mind people in my everyday life.  Only when I'm alone.  I feel desperate, there isn't any way out.  I'm trapped behind my own mask.  I want someone to go through it with me, someone who's physically there, without making everyone else ill, or just sick fed up with me.  All I do is complain.  That's all I'm ever told.  I can't see any positives to talk about.  Yeah, I'm nearly finished uni, and I will be graduating soon.  All that means to me is that my like will lose its purpose.  My purpose is to write essays.  I can't even do that well.  In fact, I can barely do it at all.  There's too much in my head.  If I hold on, I'm doing it for everyone else.  They don't even have anything to gain.  Just a daughter/sister/someone who was a friend a while back.

Right now, all I am is medication, BPD, a cashier, a student.  I hate the first 3, and the 4th will disappear in 2 weeks.  Not that I was any good at it anyway.  How do I escape this?  Temporarily drug myself up, go home and attack myself, cry while forcing an essay out, or just give up altogether.