Everyday this week I have woken up (late, very late) with the intention of making each day a good and positive one. So far it hasn't happened. I will go for a shower, a walk, take photos outside, and whatever else I can think of, but it still ends up being a typical BPD day. I sit down and maybe go online, or watch TV. Usually I go online. Then my mood just drops. Yesterday I had no emotions for a lot of the day. Which was fine, because it was better than being depressed. That didn't last. The slightest negative comment, or post, or anything like that just had me in tears. I have been like this all week. Even on the day I didn't go online. I think it is easier being on the laptop when I feel like this, because it alleviates some of the loneliness I feel. Having online friends at 3am is easier than being alone, just me and the rabbit. I also felt anger at my upstairs neighbours because they were being loud for a few minutes, which they never are! I struggled to control myself for those few minutes and wanted so bad to just yell at them.
While I have been depressed recently, I find that I cannot take advice from other people. I really want to, but everything they suggest just doesn't feel like an option to me. This just upsets me more, because I then feel hopeless, useless and an inconvenience to everyone around me.
To those people who try to help me, I really do try, honestly, and I appreciate you trying. Please don't give up on me, because I'm so close to giving up on myself.
I think I'm mostly scared that when I start DBT, I won't be ready, or won't manage it. I'm scared of being thrown off the course I suppose. All I've got right now are less-than-monthly appointments with the psychiatrist and fortnightly appointments with a GP, and they are not enough. The venlafaxine isn't working, but I'm stuck with it for at least another 4 weeks, and even then I might not get taken off it. I feel so lost and trapped at the same time. I stay up ridiculously late online because I am scared to be left alone with my own emotions. It's a scary thing, to not trust yourself. When I get upset, I don't know how to cope.
****Trigger****
No, I haven't done anything to cause a trigger, but my thoughts might. I can't help but wonder what harm it would do if I self-harmed again. If I cut where the rest already are, then I wouldn't have to go to any extra lengths to hide it. Or worse, and more worryingly, when I had thoughts of OD last night, it was the first time I couldn't think of any overwhelming reason not to do it.
God, what's happening?
It's hard to not trust yourself. It's probably the worst feeling in the world, actually. But you're doing fine. You've got coping skills that you don't realize you have. Knowing that being on the Internet when you feel like self harming? That's a coping skill. Figuring them all out isn't easy, but they come.
ReplyDeleteNot to sound like a wise guy, but try Googling them. You should get some lists. Take some from as many lists as you can. Take some that you're not sure will work and try them on for size, because some that you're sure will might just not. Coping skills are, for me, the hardest part of mental health.
I know you can do this! *hugs*