The Fight in my Mind

I thought today would be a good time to write about the fight in my mind.  I think I am seeing clearly today, but these intruding thoughts still try to get through.  So I'll vent them on here.  Please be aware that this is difficult, as thoughts can be fleeting and disappear before I can recognise them, but I'm going to try my hardest!

My plans for the day were to have a shower, then relax and see where the day takes me.  When thinking this, guilt comes into my mind.  Probably because it is a nice day.  I got out of bed at 3pm and I had a good night's sleep. Then all I can think of is that I have essays to do.  So I tried to be mindful about this, and thought, "it's ok, I'll have a shower just now, then I'll do my hair, then I will think about what is next." 

I thought about going for a walk when I am dressed.  Now I am thinking it is probably cold.  I would go to town, but the shops will be closed soon.  I could go to Tesco, but then I will spend money I don't have.  I could go to uni, but I would be bored, and spend money on food.  Then I realise I am still worrying about what to do today.  I should start by going in the shower.

I know I will probably spend all day online again.  I don't want to do this, because I feel guilt.  I could be missing out on the outside world.  When I am not online, I wonder what I am missing from online.  That is why I changed mobiles.  I hope it will help end this cycle.  I am told to find a hobby, or find an interest.  My main struggle just now is finding something that is free.  When I read a book, I am bored very quickly.  Then I have to think of my options all over again.  I find myself making excuses.  At the time I think they are genuine reasons.  Then I become paranoid that all I am doing is dismissing everyone's ideas, then again, I believe I was right the first time.  To find a new hobby usually involves buying equipment initially.  I have no money!

I do try to follow the advice of others, but I fight this every day, all day.  What can I do to enjoy my own company?  How can I learn to appreciate myself?  How can I plan a day without the battles in my head from starting all over again?  I believe this is where I fail.  I sit in my flat watching TV and surfing the internet, because I have no idea where else to take my day.  I can't win the battles.  My mind wins everytime, and I end up wasting another day.