Writing in hindsight is hard, if not impossible.
Today was another awful BPD day, started out quite depressed, and got worse as the day went on. Then suddenly better, then angry and agitated.
Someone who talks to me when it suits them was playing with me again. I was receiving lots of "lovely person" type messages again. Then the usual, "this is what someone said" *copy and paste*. So I have their burden too. But when it comes to talking about me for 5 minutes, they sign off, and don't hear from them again until they need my help again. "Needing my help" can mean anything from dropping their mental burden on me, to physically doing something, like fixing internet, or running errands. A normal person would find this unfair. With BPD it's 10 times worse. I get attached to someone really quickly. I don't hold grudges, so no matter what they do, I'll be at their beck-and-call in minutes. I feel like I am being taken advantage of, but when they talk to me again and fill me with complements, I'm right where they want me. I feel enormous love for this person, which makes me feel so much worse when they don't want to talk to me. With someone I don't love, I don't mind, and just assume they've had to go do something.
I got overly upset after the psychiatrists appointment today too. I just hate being told I have to "hold on and wait a bit longer", which is all I'm ever told now. I was seriously suicidal and I couldn't stop crying. I didn't feel like anyone cared anymore. It took 2 hours to come out of this, but all it took was a simple, mindless chat about nothing in particular.
You never know what's going to help until it already has.
Hey hun it's Emj from twitter.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having a hard day today. <3
I am different where I get attached to people too but Im not at their beck and call. I hold back and fuck them off if they annoy me. This really sucks. Im here for ya!