Very basically, I'm really struggling right now. I want to write about this, but I feel ashamed of myself. I worry what people will think, all the time. That's probably what's getting me down. So please don't tell my parents or family! For both embarrassment, and parents becoming overly caring...I know they care, and that is enough for me.
So here goes. (Shelley, don't worry about me, ok? Love you and care about you!)
My mood went everywhere yesterday (Saturday), so my day at work was absolutely awful. I was agitated, numb, depressed...and so on. I was even told to "stop being so touchy", which hurt a lot. I wanted to get out of there so badly. I also have another friend, a customer, who is struggling just now, and my BPD-ness is making me worry a lot about her. I have spent about 3 or 4 days trying to get her to talk to me, and I understand why she's not; it's hard. I can't help but worry though.
So I went home, and kept trying to contact her, and tried to talk to people online too, but by then I was just too depressed. I spent about 4 or 5 hours just fighting with myself, maybe more. Worrying over nothing. This is the bit I'm scared about. After pretending everything was fine to the people online, I went to my bedroom and put my TV on as always. I started raiding my meds box. Then started taking strong cocodamols. I also took one weak sleeping tab I had left, just the crappy over the counter ones. I don't know what I expected to achieve. I think I just wanted to knock myself out. I don't know. Realising this, I stopped at 4 cocodamols. They are the 30/500mg ones, so I started to worry about their effects, and became tired. People on twitter put my mind to rest, so I relaxed and slept. Not very well, but I did sleep. I woke up with a bad headache however, and can't do anything about that without taking the same tabs again.
There we go. Please be gentle, and don't gossip about this. I promise I am OK, and won't do it again.
i know about the od headaches after cocodamol all too well. only last weekend did i take 56 cocodamol and had the worst headache known to man. i didnt realise you stayed so close to me. i will add you to my blogroll so i remember to check your blog.
ReplyDeleteim here if you ever need to talk. xxx
Be gentle with yourself as you recover from a rough night. I'm sure that you're worried about what people are saying and thinking, but all you need to worry about right now is making sure that you're in a safe place, both mentally and physically. Please don't ever feel that you have to pretend for us. We're here to help you and support you through all of this madness. If we weren't interested in seeing you through, we wouldn't reach through our computer screens. Love you!
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