Basically, I sit on a checkout all night. Very basically. There is so much more to this for me than that. Before I even start work, I have to face the canteen and other staff. Sometimes I'm ignored, and I feel shit before things have even kicked off. Today, I felt lightheaded and sick. I went to the pharmacy and got them to check my blood pressure, just out of curiosity. It was normal, except my heart rate was quite fast. 115 bpm instead of around 90. So I started work. The dread filled me before I even sat on my first till. Only an hour or so in, I had a difficult customer, which set me up nicely...
His whole shopping load had to go back because there was one voucher he couldn't use. *sigh*.
The teamleader who was on tonight did not seem to bother. I felt ignored all day. The more the day went on, I felt annoying. I seemed to be winding her up at every opportunity. Not that I was aware of, but that's how it felt. I asked to go to the toilet, and even that seemed to be an inconvenience.
So far I have felt like a nuisance, and it's only about an hour into my shift. The rest of my shift didn't improve much. A usual Saturday. I felt anxious over almost nothing. Most customers annoyed me. My mind kept wandering too. I was left on a till ages away from everyone else, which made me feel lonely. Towards the end, only me and one other cashier seemed to be doing any work, which to be fair annoyed us both. Another girl made awkward "funny" comments too, which I don't find funny, probably because it involved me being laughed at, which I can't stand! I suppose it's the black-and-white thinking that causes me to assume everything that happens is horrible and always about me!
I seemed to have blocked the rest of my shift out of my memory already!
I wish I didn't have to work!
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