At last

Well, it's been a hell of journey.

For 21 and a half years, I believed everything i experienced was normal; a horrible, twisted normality.  Now things have changed.  I'm not sure if it's for the best however.  I have just learned my "normal" life has been filled with thoughts that most people do not experience.  My depression and anger are in fact due to Borderline Personality Disorder.  On studying my disease, it all seems strangely familiar.  No, more than that.  It feels like someone has been watching my life and has decided to torture me by writing books under an alias; books which are really about me.  How could something so obvious go unnoticed for so long?  How can health professionals doubt such a disorder when it fits so well i cannot even allow myself the tiniest bit of denial?  Down to the odd behaviours i experienced when i was probably no more than 2 years old (which I may share later), it is word for word, letter to letter, completely true.

The diagnosis did not free me as i had hoped.  I felt this hope for maybe 2 or 3 days, but it has slipped and fallen, and is lost.  Abandonment feelings have returned.  It manifests itself as a deep depression and feelings of extreme loneliness.  Having family around, or in touch, does nothing to help the situation.  I cannot tell them this though, as it is something i barely understand, so how can i expect anyone else to?  It is like a need to have my own friends and relationships, something i have built myself, to tell myself I am not dependant on my parents.  So far I have failed miserably.  At the same time, there is a fear of leaving my life behind here, at my university town, to move home, even though I feel I have nothing here.  My whole life so far has become this confusing.  I don't understand my own emotions and needs, and I feel unaware of everything I have achieved and earned.

To the person out there who does not have Bordeline Personality Disorder (as I believed only a few weeks ago), try to imagine being abandoned in a life you cannot afford, completely alone; you alienate friends that you gain, you cannot start or keep a relationship.  With this you feel completely unloved, you have achieved nothing.  Your anger or depression is so intense that the only escape you have is the unthinkable; after all, why live when there is no one to care about you?  Then think of the opposite.  Why would anyone want to die?  It's so permenant!  Of course there are people who love me!  I must be stupid to not be able to see it!  Of course I can be helped, after all these emotions are just that, emotions!  I can afford my lifestyle!  Then the other extreme...Okay, what harm will there be in buying another bra, another pair of shoes!  I do have plenty of money!  Wow, food tastes so good, another chocolate bar won't harm, that's only my sixth.  Following impulsive actions, you then are consumed by extreme guilt.  My money is gone, I can't afford my bills.  I have gained a stone, I must not eat anything for 2 days, it's the only solution.

Maybe the above situation seems extreme, but it's a nowhere near exhaustive list of the problems a borderline has on a daily basis.  

Yes, you read right, a daily basis.  Our emotions can change on an hourly basis, or more or less often.  These are my personal problems.  I had to cut up my credit card, as I am a student with a £2000 balance!  I wish I could explain the above on a more personal level, but my emotions are still difficult for me to experience and describe.  Avoidance is one of my problems, and it affects how aware I am of the emotions.

However, thanks for taking the time to read, or skim, my first blog.  I hope many more will follow!

Jen xx