So, what next?

Well, it's another day, as far as I'm aware!  I think I slept last night without a sleeping pill, progress people!  I have zopiclone tablets for that, and as good as they are, I don't plan on becoming addicted or reliant on them.  But then, I didn't plan any of this!

Medication

So far the only other medication I am on is Venlafaxine (Effexor), which isn't the best.  That is a common problem with borderlines though, we tend to be treatment resistent.  This is how I ended up seeing the psychiatrist in the first place.  I was originally on citalopram, then mirtazapine, then fluoxetine (good ol' prozac), then clomiprimine, then finally venlafaxine.  I tried amitriptyline for another complaint before and already knew it didn't agree with me.  That's already 5 medications (in 3 years), and some people try 20-odd before they find one that works.  I'm frequently told that therapy is the best solution, Dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) in particular.  I could wait a year before I see any "therapist" so naturally I want to find medication that will work, even in the short term.  

Compassion

So, yesterday actually ended up being a good day.  I'm not sure it's going to last through today however.  I have already felt the urge to kill people at the bus stop...well not literally kill, I'm not homicidal!  I mean I have already felt angry and frustrated today.  I have work later, and I work with the public.  I have done for nearly 5 years.  In a way I think staying in employment has helped me to keep my emotions in check.  Or suppress them.  Maybe it's not a good thing?!  Some days in the shop I find it extremely hard to keep upbeat, however I must be doing a good job, because sometimes finding compassion and understanding is hard.  I sometimes feel like breaking a leg because it will help keep me out of the particular aspects of the job I hate, whereas my mental illness doesn't seem to have the same effect.  People actually say to me, "we all hate it, but we just do it." To which I reply, "no, it's making me ill!".  They don't listen.  Some days I just give up, some days I get extremely angry!  I want there to be a better understanding of mental illness.  I want people to equate it to a broken leg, or a chest infection: it is very real, and some days, completely out of my control!  Also it is not my fault I have it, and it is not fake!

Control

Today (as in most days) I want to try really hard to keep my mood up.  I hate it when I am so low, that absolutely nothing feels in my control.  I cannot imagine living another day feeling like that.  Even worse than that, is going to work in that state of mind, as I did last week at some point.  It took 3 hours for me to feel like i could cope with being there, in a 5 hour shift.  It didn't last either!  About half an hour later I was low again.  
It's a new day, there's always hope.