Loneliness

So I think I should start with last night.
To be honest, I was not looking forward to the night out the whole day.  I booked the taxi in advance because I thought I would enjoy myself once I got there.  I spent the whole day dreading it.  I got there, and from the word go, pretty much, I felt completely left out.  I talked to people and was ignored, as they turned to chat to the others next to them.  People whispered to their friends when I was sitting next to them.  I just didn't belong there.  Going to the toilet was the only chance I had to let my guard down.  When I was sitting with people, I did nothing except try to join in, and all that trying is tiring.  I just drank more and more, hoping eventually I would be someone people would want to be around.  Eventually the taxi I booked would be there.  I went outside to wait, alone obviously.  I waited and waited and it never came.  I phoned the company who said they didn't have it in their diary and sent one out.  So I stood against a stone wall and just scratched my hand continually off the wall.  I don't know why, or what I thought it would help.  It was punishment I suppose for getting in people's way all night.  Just the way to end a lonely night.  Whenever I would wander inside and no one was around, I'd bang my head off the wall.  Anything for some relief, I just felt like shit.

Today.  I went to Glasgow with mum and my sister.  It was nice to see both of them, and briefly dad too.  The restaurant was nice, it's an Italian place.  The waiter did nothing except make me feel uncomfortable the whole time however.  He gave me way to much attention and I could not handle it.  It was very embarrassing and awkward.  Mum thought this was hilarious and continued to wind me up about the waiter being an admirer or whatever.  I couldn't take it, I hate being made a fool of, and being laughed at, and I really hate that kind of attention, especially off men, and especially in front of family.  After that, I just shut off.  I kind of floated around the city centre with mum and my sister.  I wasn't there, I didn't want to be.  Then they went into a very busy bar, where I definately didn't want to be!  I got the train home at this point.

So far, the weekend has been incredibly stressful; not in the sense of having lots of work, it has been difficult to keep my emotions in check.  I've struggled to no end, and still feel very, very lonely.  I hate days like this, and thought the medication was helping me.  Now I doubt it is.