Being Hated

It hasn't picked up yet.

There was a night out organised for the people in our class, organised by some of us, and I just didn't feel comfortable hanging around.  I went outside with one of the girls to see the people who were drinking on the grass, and I immediately felt as uncomfortable as I did on Saturday night.  Almost like flashback feelings.  I blamed my leaving on being a bit chilly, and left.  On the bus home, I felt guilty, because all I can think of is what I might be missing.

Why do I always feel like such a social mess?  Or outcast, or whichever word suits best.  I even struggle with the thought of going to the coffee shop at uni now, which is not like me at all!  For years I have lived down there, for hours every day, and spent the weekend wishing I could be there instead of work.  Now both seem as unbearable as each other.  I hate being around people because the more time I spend with them, the more I realise that I am not one of them.  In some cases, I am probably right, but the rest of the time, these thoughts really hurt.  I spend hours convincing myself that I'm right about these people hating me, and build up "evidence" against them, or myself being horrible to them, in my head.  These are not new thoughts, they have interrupted my life for as long as I can remember.  As soon as I make a friend, I spend days and weeks convincing myself that they do not like me, and I am annoying, until I am actually being annoying, then they just confirm what I already believed.  Being aware of all this does nothing to stop it happening.  It feels so real.  

While I feel this hatred towards myself, I also really crave a strong bond towards people.  I want to feel the same love in return of what I often feel for that person.  Often it is not a bond found in a relationship, but a feeling of being cared for.  This makes it more difficult to accept, because it does not strike me as a normal way to feel.  People want to have relationships based on sex or dating and having fun.  I just want to feel wanted.  I have no interest in a normal relationship.  Most of the time, I just want a hug, or to be held by someone I care about, or even love.  This never happens, and instead I am just told that I will let go of these feelings with therapy.  I just feel more like a freak when I am told that.  Until I get this therapy, how about letting me feel loved?  Letting me be wanted, held and hugged?  I can't simply get rid of these needs, I have felt them my whole life.