Guilt I can't explain

It's a beautiful sunny day, temperatures averaging about 20 degrees C.  I feel guilty.  I have no idea why.  I feel guilty about sitting indoors (with the window open, the sun shining through).  I still feel guilty about not going out last night.  I missed drinks with mum on Sunday, which I still feel guilty about.  It's horrible, because I don't know how to get rid of this feeling.  If I go outside, what am I going to do?  Where am I going to go?  I am alone, once again, which only makes it worse, because I don't have anyone else to enjoy the weather with.  Guilt is often accompanied with feelings of hopelessness, uselessness and anxiety.  I feel kind of agitated too.  

I started to eat lunch outside, but the midges attacked, as they always do in Scotland!  So I finished it inside.  I chatted with a friend outside for a while, then headed home.  As soon as I got into the close, the guilt hit me in the face.  It literally struck that fast.  Now I feel lost. 

I also checked my bank balance at the machine at Tesco, and it wasn't pleasant.  Now I'm worried about that too.  I am living somewhere I can't afford to be.  I'm terrified about how this is going to end!  Mum kept reminding me on Sunday that it's going to be expensive after May, and I just replied, "I know!  Stop reminding me, you're just making me worry more."  Truth is, I'm already scared shitless about it.  I am trapped here.  I love my flat, but at the same time, I wish I had the means to make it less expensive, or a way to earn more money.  I am trapped until the end of July.  My list of bills will grow after I finish uni, but I should be able to claim benefits.  If I don't get them...I can't even think about that.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I made it to bed about an hour and a half after I said I was going.  After 11pm, still early for me.  I woke up at 2am, and stayed awake until after 4am.  I woke up with my alarm at 9am, took my tablets as usual, and went back to bed.  Woke up at 10am, snoozed until 10.30.  The snooze was awful; my back was agony in this dream, and people were accusing me of lying.  I couldn't walk properly for the pain.  I woke up lying on my front, in a way that my back was curved.  It was agony.  It has pretty much stayed that way all day.  So frustrating.  

So the general theme for today is guilt, and feeling lost.  Great!  I also found myself regressing to the feeling of wanting "maternal" attention, which was always difficult to cope with as a kid, but 10 times worse now I'm an adult, and still having these thoughts.  I always thought I would grow out of them.  NOPE.  So, can someone give me a nice, long cuddle?