A Difficult Post - Love and Other Strong Emotions

Please don't read if you are close family or friends, for both my benefit and yours;
I think it will make things awkward.  Hard to describe why, but in itself, this post is going to be difficult to write.  I feel like it's important to get it out of my system though.




God where to start!

F**k.

OK.  Ever since I was as young as I can remember, I have always had unusual feelings of love towards people that you would not expect.  Firstly, in some memories, I was only about 3 or 4 years old.  As far back as nursery teachers.  I always felt a strong desire to be held and cared for by these people.  Coupled with Borderline Personality Disorder, it is very difficult to cope with.  I fear being ridiculed by these people, being abandoned.  It mostly applied to middle-aged people, although some were perhaps only a few years older than me.  I only became aware of these feelings, and how unusual they were when I was going into secondary school.  Throughout primary school, I suppose there were a mixture of things that made it easier to accept, or push aside.  I was young enough to actually receive the kind of attention I wanted.  I also put it down to being young, and not yet experiencing "real" love.  However I started to worry when these emotions did not diminish through secondary school (that is from ages 12 to 18).  I suppose at this age, the feelings changed a bit too.  Not only did they strengthen, but they also started to have sexual undertones.  Nothing heavy or that, I mean that I really wanted the person concerned; I wanted to be held and when thinking about this, I experienced that "butterfly" feeling too.  Occasionally it can increase to feelings of wanting more than a hug, but far less than anything sexual.  Difficult and awkward to explain.  Usually my daydreams would involve being held by someone and falling asleep that way; being comforted in a way a child would.  The next thing actually concerned me more.  I haven't ever felt any urge to be held or cuddled by my own parents.  I know that I'm not expected to feel more than that, but I don't particularly enjoy, or feel affected by hugs from my parents.  I actually feel comletely indifferent to this.  I love them and wouldn't change them for the world.  I have to conclude that it is me; the problem definately lies with me.

F**k.

The emotions just now are so intense, I am having trouble coping with them.  Living alone only makes things ten times worse.  It is really difficult to explain to anyone what I'm feeling.  Maybe because it's an awkward subject, or maybe because I have unknowingly been told what I feel is unacceptable.  Whether or not I have been told this, that's how it feels.  That's how I feel.  I never feel that towards anyone who would be a potential partner.  Never the same emotion.  I seem to be permenantly single.  The longer I feel lonely and separated from people, the deeper these emotions dig in.  It is now almost unbearable.

More than that.  I seem to avoid the kind of attention I apparently want from a potential partner.  I find it very awkward and uncomfortable when someone "hits on" me.  It is a horrible feeling.  I move away or openly display my disgust.  I don't know how to react.  Afterwards, I feel useless and stupid for having ruined my chances.  No one wants me, and why would anyone want to be near me?  A permenant feeing of loneliness has come from this.  I can be round friends, but nothing will dissolve the loneliness I feel almost 24/7.  I am lost.  I have no idea how to stop it.

There is no way out.

I will never get the other kind of attention I crave.  For f**k sake, I'm not 5 years old anymore.  I have to grow out of this.  But I can't.  The more I try, the more it hurts.  The only way out is to physically feel something.  To punish myself too.  I have to associate these feelings with pain.  I already do.  They're still around.  I feel like such a freak.  I think the only way out is to receive the attention I want.  But then I know I'll feel manipulative.  I will have to be manipulative to get what I want.  I don't want that.  It will lead to more guilt.  F**k I am actually stuck.


**Trigger**


So when physical pain is my only option, I am overcome with more problems than I started with.  "What" is not usually a problem, especially if it is impulsive, brought on by a difficult present situation.  A conversation can do this.  I end up hitting myself on my head, banging my hands or wrists on things, scratching my legs, etc.  None of these (sometimes to my annoyance) leave any marks.  That can make me feel like a failure, "I can't even do that properly."  Planned attacks can involve knives.  It is a rare occurence brought on by feeling hated and unwanted wherever I am, or in whatever I am doing.  I have some scars, about 10 on my leg and one on my wrist.  These make me feel very ashamed.  I hate them and am gutted that I did it.  I am so scared that someone sees them, and I am faced with confrontation about it.


Ok, I hope you get the picture, this took me about an hour to write.  I also hope you understand how trapped and lost I feel right now, it is horrible, one of the worst parts of BPD.  I need a solution, and I need it now.




Feel free to comment below, everyone can.